What To Do

Work really is rubbish. I don’t have much to say about it today, other than sometimes I’m amazed that people manage to hold down a job.

I should preface this with a little note: I recently got told off for Twittering that some guy I work with is ‘a jumped up planner twat’. The reason I posted that this jumped up planner twat is a ‘jumped up planner twat’ is because he’s a jumped up planner twat. I’m still reeling that I managed to achieve a low level bollocking for this – it’s truthful and honest. If you can’t take a little constructive critiscm, don’t act like a jumped up twat. But, anyway, it’s a fair cop, I did post it on the internet.

Well, when I say I posted it on the internet, I posted it on my private Twitter. So no one except those carefully vetted individuals I allow to read my 140 character gold can read my carefully crafted e-rage. This also updates my Facebook status. Which operates under the same system.

Said jumped up twat isn’t actually on either guestlist, so he isn’t able to actually read what I’ve written about him. At this point, the whole thing becomes exactly like a lunch break when you spend the entire walk to and from Sainsburys telling Dan how much of a twat someone is. It’s private. What happened? Someone, a judas if you will, read this and showed the fella what I’d written. And he complained. What a pair of dickheads. I’m still a bit annoyed that the person who did this (I know who she is, I’m sure she knows I know who she is) keeps pretending I’m her friend and she talks to me like she hasn’t massively wronged me – insincere knobend.

So I’ve had a massive cull and cleared off everybody who crosses the Facebook/Work boundary and deleted them except for those people who once saved my life or bought me a biscuit, they can stay, I trust them.

Anyway – preface over. It was quite a long preface, yeah, but I guess I needed to point out that you should be really careful when you’re about to do what I’m about to do – call your management crackers. Let’s spin with the wonder.

There are more than a few people here, in positions more powerful than my own (90 % of the company) who are utterly incompetent (about 25% of that). I’m really lucky that the people I work with immediately, my boss, his boss, my boss’s equivalent (they share the same boss) are good dudes. They work hard and they know their shit. I owe loads to them and they make work bearable. I’m better than all of them at Fantasy League Football though.

But other people? They’re shit. Ask a question, wait two days for an answer. Or they come back in two days and ask you what you think. We have a head of IT who after some gentle cajoling from me actually asked our systems provider if they could reverse the polarity of the flux capacitor to make the server faster. He actually asked that. I should probably post that entire story, it’s incredible.

We have a finance team that are so eager to please the board they make wild promises that we then cannot deliver. We have a multi-billion pound asset base over hundreds of thousands of accounts – and they have promised that stock losses will be 0%. My house is worth 50p and I operate stock losses of 45%. It’s utterly fucking crackers. Why would you do that? Promise 20%, deliver 15% and everyone will think you’re amazing. Promise 0%, deliver 15% and you’re facing the sack. And I’m facing the sack. Everyone is facing the sack because not only do you not understand our business, you don’t understand business period. You have no idea how things work. I’m half your age and I know immediately that you’ve just pulled a seriously stupid stunt.

I’m going to make some tea.